And just like that, it has been a month. How? How is it possible for time to keep moving forward? We knew this was coming, and in fact, we wanted him to be free from his pain. We knew this was coming, and we all had enough time to be prepared and be ready. And yet, somehow, the magnitude of grief, the waves of grief that keep bubbling up – I don’t know if we knew to be prepared for it.

I’m not young by any means. But I don’t think I have felt so acutely like a child ever before, as I have in the month since Dad’s passing. Being aware, every moment of every day, that he’s no longer with us – it’s a constant reminder and a constant connection back to being a child. After all, wasn’t that the first role we all play in life? Even before we officially have our names, even before the first trait of our personalities develop, even before anything….we are our parents’ children. Their sons and daughters. And so when that parent is no longer with us, no wonder then that one feels lost and alone in this world. That stable support, the constant guide that was always there is gone. Even though he was terminally ill for his last 3 years and could no longer speak. But he was there. And now he’s not.

And at the same time, I feel like I have aged a decade in the last month. The weariness is heavy. My siblings and I never had to discuss funeral arrangements before this. We never had to think about organizing all the rituals and ceremonies, because we didn’t need to. And then suddenly, we had to be the ones making all arrangements, while simultaneously being there emotionally for Mom.

In the tapestry of life, nature perpetually propels us forward, but it is the human heart that clings to memories, often gazing backward. Gazing backward is comfortable. Memories are comfortable. They let us slip back into a life we have known and loved. I don’t know how to live this current, new normal. Not yet. I know we will learn and we will grow and we will figure it out. But right now, we’re still even learning to refer to Dad in the past tense.

I know time will keep marching ahead. And I know we will have to keep moving forward along with it. But somehow, even for a moment, I wish we could rewind time back to healthier, happier times……